An Ode to The Great British Bake Off
Updated: Mar 15, 2021
It’s Saturday night, cups of tea a-brewing,
Nanny simply can’t wait for this GBBO viewing.
2018 was a fave, we loved Rahul from the start,
he captured friends with his bakes, as well as our hearts.
We’ve learned rough puff in full, crème pâtissière too,
how to get a handshake from Paul and an “ooh, that’s lovely” from Prue.
Anxiously we wait for their souffles to rise,
yearning to see who wins the cake-stand prize,
but just as easy as whipped cream could curdle in a second,
Grandad shouts, “when the cameras are off, what goes on, do you reckon?”
So, to answer his query, we dedicate this rhyme
to expose the unrecorded secrets that occur in summertime.
When the cameras are off, all bets are too,
we suspect that the bakers use store-bought choux.
During Pastry Week, though we saw cracked eggs,
we bet that those treats were sourced from Greggs.
Enough about those bakers, we know where the real secrets lie,
did Prue replace Mary with a “Special Berry” pie?
And where do the scraps from the Showstoppers go?
Clearly to feed contestants from previous seasons ago.
Farfetched we know, but we believe they’re kept in vents,
peddling on bikes to power electricity for the tent.
Oh my Bavarois! To win a Technical is a dream,
Mother swears the top dish is Deliveroo-ed to the Queen.
Paul’s steely gaze is always in the shot,
that man never blinks, he must be a robot,
recharging backstage in a large, floured bap,
with butter for a pillow, Sandi tucks him in for a quick nap.
Those wretched soggy bottoms, one way to go about ‘em,
slip mistakes to Noel for he’s got backstage henchmen.
They went to Cordon Bleu, know the ins and outs of baking,
they’ll dry off any bottom, get it nice and flaking.
Millions of viewers, proving and rising every week,
the same is said about home-bakes and in turn, our physiques.
What is the ultimate goal of this beloved show?
Why must we learn about Jaconds, Meringues, and yeasted dough?
Only now we can see, it’s as clear as Isomalt,
the sugar-dusted plans are kept in Channel 4’s vault:
dozens of bakers-dozens growing slowly but surely,
they’re building an army to take down commercial bakeries prematurely!
Welford Park’s the home base and our weapons are whisks,
look out big bakeries, your products are at risk.
The GBBO family claims more and more territory
and we raise our wooden spoons in the name of home-baked glory.
We hope you enjoyed our satirical take on The Great British Bake Off, our favourite family viewing show. We look forward to many more seasons. By Lucy and Mimi Thompson, inspired amateur bakers from Bangkok.
Help us spread the baking cheer on Twitter!